Timeshares: Phuket Style

Pati and Beebee were walking to the beach when a guy on a motorcycle called to them ("Do you speak English?"). They stopped - dumb idea. He said he was working for the Thailand department of tourism and wanted to ask them questions about their vacation in Phuket. This led to Pati and Beebee holding scratch-off cards to try to win a prize for answering the questions (there was the faint whiff of rat in the air).
Pati scratched his card and it revealed that he had only won a backpack. The survey guy seemed a little sad for Pati. Beebee then scratched her card and the guy's eyes went round as saucers (he wasn't native Thai). He said "Oh my gosh, you have won the grand prize!" He shook Beebee's hand and said this was great news for him too. Apparently anyone who discovered a grand prize winner got a prize himself.
Beebee had definitely won one of six prizes: (1) an iPad 2; (2) a luxury cruise; (3) 20,000 Baht in cash (a.k.a. $600 USD); (4) a laptop; (5) a dream holiday; or (6) an iPhone 4s. The survey guy then apologized and said "People just won the cruise and the laptop so those prizes aren't available." It sounded like Pati and Beebee had better act fast! He also wanted to make it clear that the iPhone was not the latest version (only version 4, not 5). Boy, that luxury vacation was looking good. Because of Beebee's good luck, he said it was urgent that they attend the "90 minute holiday presentation" and collect their prize. Gosh, where did that come from?
Pati and Beebee told the salesman they couldn't go immediately because they had an activity scheduled (they really did). The survey guy thought this was unwise but Pati and Beebee held firm. He then wanted to schedule a time the next day to pick Pati and Beebee up so they could collect their prize. Strangely enough, they were busy that day too (possibly because the rat smell was getting pretty strong). Try as they might, Pati and Beebee could not think of a time that they were free. The survey man was vexed! Finally, because it was getting really hot, Pati suggested that the survey man give them a number to call when they were free to be picked up. The survey man didn't think this was a good idea because prizes were slipping away and his boss was "a pretty busy man." However, this seemed to be the best Pati and Beebee could do so he relented. (The number [called from the US] is 011 66 84820134 and The TripAdvisor web site has a list of hotels for anyone who would like to be picked up. For example, lobby of the Indigo Pearl would be a lovely place to have them pick you up. Tell them Kishor sent you).
Pati and Beebee thought this was just another time share scam but learned that there is a special twist in Phuket. It seems that the scammers rent buildings for a couple of years that they present as their timeshare. Then they disappear with the money and the real owners of the building retake possession. The timeshare purchasers find themselves out of luck (and they say you can't get rid of a timeshare). To offset this problem, the scammers offer amazing deals!
When they realized their vacation would end before they had time for their "90 minute holiday presentation," Pati scratched the space on Beebee's card that told exactly which of the grand prizes she had won. It was the "dream holiday!" With a little research, they learned that this holiday was in the actual timeshare. They also learned that whenever someone tries to collect their prize the timeshare is fully booked. Those places must be great!

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Ayurveda

Ayurveda means life (ayur) science (veda). It is an Indian medical system that depends on diet, herbs, massage, and oils. While Pati is a sceptic, he wanted to give it a try so he and Beebee went to an ayurvedic clinic in Fort Cochin.
Upon their arrival, the receptionist gave Pati and Beebee a services guide that included pictures of the treatments. They were glad to see the pictures since, otherwise, they would have had no idea what they were asking for. Pati found a row of pictures that included pouring oil on one's forehead. Ever since he observed a minor accident at Jiffy Lube he had wanted to try that. Beebee studied the pictures until she found a row that did not include forehead oil dripping and chose it.
As they were waiting to enter their separate treatment rooms, Beebee told Pati "If I scream, I expect you to come and save me!" When Pati realized she was serious, he said he would. (About half an hour later, Pati realized he hadn't asked Beebee to come save him if he screamed.)
Pati and Beebee entered their separate treatment rooms. Pati's therapist was standing about six inches from him and said "Put you clothes on this hook" pointing to a hook on the wall next to Pati. Pati waited a second for the therapist to leave so Pati could disrobe but it became clear he wasn't going anywhere. Pati was uncomfortable but disrobed to his briefs. The attendant then handed Pati what appeared to be a three inch wide and eighteen inch long piece of crepe paper with a waist string, pointed to Pati's briefs, and said "Those too." (This was the point where Pati realized the "scream protocol" was incomplete.) Pati complied and couldn't decide if he looked more like a sumo wrestler or Baby Huey.
The therapist then sat Pati on a stool and gave him a head and shoulder massage. The stuff the threrapist was rubbing on Pati's head smelled nice and felt OK (but not magical). Aside from the fact that Pati was naked except for a flimsly paper thong, the treatment wasn't too bad. This part of the massage lasted fifteen minutes. The therapist then got a towel and carefully - a little too carefully for Pati's liking - cleaned his feet. After this the therapist produced a step stool and told Pati to use it to climb on a wooden massage table and lie down on his back. With paper thong flapping, Pati did as he was told.
The therapist then massaged the entire front (sans the bit covered by the thong) of Pati's body including both sides of his arms and legs with a liberal application of sandlewood oil. Pati thought "This is pretty embarrassing but at least I didn't have to roll over." The therapist then said "Roll over" to Pati (Pati again wished that he and Beebee had been more careful in developing their scream for help protocol).
Pati rolled over with considerable effort since he found himself more slippery than any fish. The massage continued on Pati's backside, backside included. After about a total of thirty minutes, the front and back massage ended - much to Pati's relief. It was now time for oil to be poured on Pati's head. The therapist again said "Turn over." Pati found this even more difficult than the first time and wondered if this massage was covered by his travel insurance.
When Pati finally flopped over, a second therapist entered the room (great) and prepared Pati for the oil application. The second therapist put plugs in Pati's ears, covered his eyes with something white, and tied a string around the upper half of Patti's forehead (Pati is pretty sure the mechanics at Jiffy Lube do this too). Then the warm oil started flowing from a brass bowl with a hole in the bottom. Pati peeped around the white things covering his eyes and estimated that the bowl would hold about sixteen ounces of oil. After about a gallon of oil had dripped on Pati's head he realized that the therapist team must have been recycling the oil. Eventually the treatment ended.
Pati was pretty oily at this point and looked forward to showering in the small bathroom attached to the treatment room. That was a mistake. After another very careful foot wiping, the therapists walked Pati to the bathroom and sat him on the toilet (lid down - Pati's first break). They then filled a five gallon bucket with extremely hot water and used a large measuring cup to pour the water on Pati, lathering him all the time. They then rinsed Pati and meticulously dried him with towels. Even though - under careful supervision - they let Pati partially dress himself they again carefully wiped his feet, put on his socks, and tied his shoes.
Pati then paid for his and Beebee's treatments and gave all the therapists a nice tip (so they would never do this to him again). At the end he asked Beebee what she thought of her treatment. She said nothing but gave Pati one of her special looks. She then abruptly spun a 540 degree turn on her heels and oiled out the door.

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Photo guru

Pati and Beebee went to the Periyar tiger preserve. The trip involved a boat ride through what appeared to be a man-made lake. Pati had their camera and was taking pictures of birds, deer, and wild boar (nice ride but no tigers or elephants to be seen).
The man in front of Pati said "I don't get here often and I didn't bring my camera. Will you email me your pictures?" Pati actually suspected that the man did not want to pay the 50 Rupees charge to use a camera (Pati didn't want to pay it either but he did along with two special fees for being a foreigner). However, since Pati plans to put his better pictures on a web share sight, he said yes.

Soon the man started pointing out various birds he wanted Pati to photograph. Shortly after that he said "You are too slow with the camera and are missing the moment. Give it to me and I will take them." Pati surrendered the camera. The man admired the camera saying "You need a longer zoom!" Pati noted that the man with his camera was fumbling with it and not quite "capturing the moment" either. After a couple of minutes, Beebee (who had an assigned seat behind rather than beside Pati) said "Where is the camera?" Pati explained and smoke came out of Beebee's ears as it sometimes does (Pati has no idea why). She told Pati to get the camera so that she could take some pictures too. Pati ask for the camera but was sure the man who had it thought she was being selfish since they knew he had forgotten his camera and they had remembered theirs.

While Pati was trying to take pictures around the other passengers who were standing and blocking the "Do Not Stand" signs, a guide came and offered to take photos for Pati and Beebee. Pati agreeded and the guide would go to various points on the boat taking unobscured pictures of the wildlife. He regularly brought them back to show Pati and Beebee. Pati noted that the guide used the many settings on the camera with ease. In fact, Pati knows more about his camera now than he did before the ride. After the boat ride had ended, Pati and Beebee asked the guide if he would like them to email a copy of the pictures he had taken. At first, he said no because he didn't have a computer. Then he thought of an email address of a friend who might accept them for him. Pati and Beebee copied the address and gave the guide what they hope was a nice tip. Since no one else was tipping and the guide seemed both embarrassed and happy, it probably was a good tip.

Periyar Guide

After Pati and Beebee got off the boat, Pati looked for the man in the seat ahead of him to get the address he would like the pictures sent to. Pati couldn't find him but was strangely unconcerned. Later -- on the drive home -- their driver, Simon, suggested they stop at a coffee plantation for a drink. Pati has learned to say yes to about everything so he said "Yes." They climbed a steep metal ladder to a shop on the second floor. When they got to the top, they found that the shop keeper was a twenty-something American looking blond girl. She had the full San Francisco from the flowers in her hair to the anklet ring of bells that jingled when she walked. Pati said "Are you from around here?" She said no and asked if Pati and Beebee would like to hear her say something in her native language so they would know where she was from. Pati has learned to say yes to about anything so he said "Yes." The flower girl shopkeeper then said "Dingle fingle pringle bingle " or words to that effect. Pati and Beebee blinked so she said "Dutch."

At that instant the man who sat in front of Pati on the boat climbed in (out of all the gin joints...). He asked who the shopkeeper was and the flower girl said she was. The man said he had a headache and wanted coffee. The waitress kindly offered him an aspirin and asked if he would like some water. He said yes but he wanted tap water (a.k.a. the free stuff). He took the aspirin and turned to Pati --who again found himself setting behind the man -- and asked what an aspirin is. Pati and Beebee assured him that it cures headaches. After taking the aspirin, the man went to the flower girl -- who gave him the free aspirin with the free water -- and demanded to know why his coffee was taking so long. Pati admired the man's easy way with people!

Pati then asked the man if he was the fellow on the boad who asked for a copy of the pictures. After examining Pati like a bug, the man eventually said yes (since they were among the very few non-Indians on the boat even Pati thought that should be a simple question). The man gave Pati an email address and said Pati only needed to send the forty or so best shots as attachments. Pati said "Would a link to a web site be OK?" The man said "No, that would be too much trouble for me, just send the pictures as individual email attachments."
The conversation then turned to Pati and Beebee's travels. The man explained they were pretty much a waste of time since they had not made a detailed study of Indian history before their trip. "What a wonderful man!" Pati thought. He wondered if he could -- by paying a large sum -- have the man be their guide and share more of his wisdom. Unfortunately, Beebee said it was time to go.

The next day, Pati and Beebee spent the day on a houseboat in the Kerala backwaters. Soon after the trip started, Beebee saw the man leaning out of a smaller boat taking their picture! Pati was very pleased and wanted to see if the man would join them for a further sharing of his wisdom. Unfortunately, smoke started coming from Beebee's ears again. Pati turned to make sure her hair did not catch fire. When he turned back, the man was gone. What a lost opportunity.
(Except for the smoke, all of this is true.)

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A Fawlty Towers Moment

Pati and Beebee are staying two nights at a nice resort in Madurai. After arriving at about 2:30 pm without stopping for lunch, they "had the rest of the day free" (tour-speak for nothing else planned) to have a late lunch, wander about the property, and relax in their suite.

The restaurant is a large, simple-yet-elegant room with all dark wood furnishings. Pati and Beebee were greeted by a lovely hostess (let's call her Polly, although that probably isn't a common name for a resident of Tamil Nadu) and given their choice of tables. She then brought them the menus, one with many pages of Indian foods and one large laminated card with Italian food. Pati and Beebee were ready for some comfort food and decided to order two personal-sized pizzas from the Italian menu. They settled on a veggie pizza and a pork sausage pizza (the Fairfax County health nurse didn't say anything about pork...) and waited for the waiter to arrive to take their order.

On cue, the waiter (let's call him Manuel, although that probably isn't a common name here either) arrived and said, in English, "Are you ready?" Pati and Beebee said "yes." Manuel then collected the menus and walked away.

Pati and Beebee sat in shocked silence, unsure what had just happened. It seemed certain that no food could arrive if no food was ordered. After a few minutes, they caught the eye of the hostess and explained what had happened. She, in turn, wanted to be sure that it was a waiter that took the menus. Perhaps she did not know the word "waiter" but this remark was in keeping with a Fawlty Towers theme.

The hostess then personally attempted to take the order for the pizzas. This was clearly not in her job description, as she was unfamiliar with the Italian menu, but she tried valiantly. At this point, it was unclear just what would come out of the kitchen, but hungry people will eat what is set before them.

Faster than any pizza place in the US, two small pizzas arrived, a veggie and a pork sausage. They looked good and tasted good. The only surprise was that the "pork sausage" appeared to be sliced Vienna sausages. At least if it came out of a sealed can, it shouldn't cause food poisoning.

Hungry people will eat what is set before them.

Written Monday 11 March 2013

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A dangerous transaction...

As Pati and Beebee have traveled, they have noticed that the TP rolls in their hotels have gotten smaller and smaller. Today, Pati noticed that their roll had only about 40 tissues. Upon inspection, he determined that it was actually a new roll!
While trying to learn their way around Cochin, Patti and Beebee walked to a sundries store that was about 10 feet by 15 feet in size. The merchant greeted them and asked what they wanted. At that point, eyes narrowed and voices became low. The merchant said "Sir, I am an honest man, but - out of curiosity - how much do you seek?" Pati held the merchant in a steely gaze and said "At least enough for five American wipes."
The merchant gasped and quickly closed the door to his shop. His voice came in a whisper "Such a thing can be had but it is very difficult and will be very expensive." Pati said he was willing to pay what was needed. The merchant then broached the question of grit and tried to offer extra coarse. Pati said "I will accept nothing rougher than medium." The merchant clicked his tongue and said "Come back - one hour." As Pati and Beebee left they heard pounding and beating sounds from the yard behind the shop. When they returned, the merchant spat out "Thirty rupees!" Pati threw down fifty and said keep the change (since 30 rupees is sixty American cents).
When they carried their prize back to the room (avoiding prying eyes), Beebee quickly hid it in a secret chamber.
Aside from the parts which are not, this is all true! The rest Pati made up.

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The touts tell the Nigerians how smart Pati is!

Pati and Beebee just got this email. Even with the fiscal cliff, the FBI is only charging $280 (anything more less would be a scam) to mail them an ATM card :) Pati thinks the FBI is doing an excellent job since they know he is owed $2.3 million before they even know his name! Pati thinks they should simply deduct the $280 from the $2.3 million in case Pati's bank account is too small.

The Straits of Gibraltar

Today is the last Fun Day at Sea on the Atlantic. Last night was the 5th time of setting clocks forward by one hour. Tonight will be the 6th time. Sometime between midnight and 1 am, the ship will pass through the Straits of Gibraltar. If Pati is awake (although he doesn't expect to be) at that time, he plans to yell "Give me back my peanuts!" to the monkeys of Gibraltar who robbed him the last time he was there. If it were possible to find a bag of peanuts on this ship, Pati would wave them in the direction of the monkeys and yell, in the immortal words of W, "Bring it on!" Pati plans to see who throws what this time!

Time update: local time = EST + 5
Distance traveled at 9:17 am local time: 3535 nm
Sea depth: 15,700 ft
Course: 089 degrees

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The Plate Warrior (a pre-quel to Thunderbowl)

Beebee and Pati decided to have a quick light meal in the Lido Deck self service dining area. They found a time and place where food was the most precious thing on Earth (actually, on water) despite the surplus. Sparks flew from silverware moving at blinding speeds and every man (and woman) was a law to him- (or her-) self concerning the direction of the line around each serving station. (Diners on land in civilized countries seem to understand that a line begins at the end with the plates. Diners on this Lido deck understand that they need a plate, but then attack the food from any end or angle, bestowing annoyed looks and snide remarks on those who follow normal conventions.)

The sound system blasted Tina Turner singing "We don't need another hero (but that BLT looks interesting)" while marauders in motorized chairs zoomed from station to station at intimidating speeds. Others stepped suddenly into the paths of unwary passers-by or defiantly walked backwards carrying head-sized mounds of food as trophies. It was gruesome (or at least goosome) - especially when the pitiful remains of plate after plate filled the edges of each dining table. A land of eat or be -- well, that's about it -- just eat. It was like the TV show "The Walking Dead" with a twist: this time it was "The Walking Fed." All those bloated bodies staggering around with Hollandaise dripping from their slack (actually well-toned) jaws.

Many of the diners in the Lido seemed to be in a uniform which consisted of a white Carnival Cruise Line bathrobe and flip-flops. Pati and Beebee saw one of the men in uniform (think Jabba the Hut) and his wife ("Please, call me Chewey!") at a table nearby. A larger robe would have been a fashion plus. Pati thought the uniforms signified a religious order of some kind because of the expressions of bliss (early diabetic coma?) the adherents wore on their faces -- possibly the Order of the Double Cheeseburger. In any case, they chanted something about Friars (or was that friers?).

Just when Pati and Beebee thought it was the end, they found an escape route that none of the plate warriors could use to follow them -- they took the stairs.

Time update: local time = EST + 4
Distance traveled at 7:49 am ship time: 3104 nm
Sea depth: 17,400 ft

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Exercise on the Carnival Destiny

Pati and Beebee try to walk 10,000 steps a day. That's about 5 miles. Exercise on the Destiny requires some creativity.

Of course, there is the gym on deck 10. It has about 16 treadmills (2 not working), a smaller number of elliptical machines, and a small number of spin cycles. There is also a very small number of specialized machines. There are also free weights and a very small area for using them. As might be expected, demand far exceeds capacity. Pati and Beebee were able to find open treadmills for a few days until the rest of the cruisers found the gym; now, every working machine of every type is occupied whenever they check.

For outdoor exercise, there is a jogging track on deck 11 with a circumference of 1/10 mile. Pati and Beebee head up there when the gym is full. The track is oval shaped, with the long legs parallel to the side of the ship. In walking the track counterclockwise (which most cruisers - except Australians - do), the starboard (right) side leg is into the wind and the port (left) side leg has a tailwind. The ship is traveling at around 18 kts almost directly into a wind blowing at 20 to 30 kts. This results in a small tailwind on one side and a headwind of up to 50 knots on the other. That's exercise!

(There is also a compact putt-putt golf course on deck 11 surrounding the smokestack (Carnival's distinctive "tail"). Beebee wonders how far a golf ball might travel if caught in the wind!)

Of course, another obvious form of exercise is just walking around the ship and up and down the stairs. Pati and Beebee's cabin is on deck 7 near the back. Their formal dining room is on deck 3 aft (back) for breakfast and lunch and on deck 4 aft for dinner. The buffet is on the Lido deck (deck 9) aft. There are approximately 20 steps involved in climbing or descending the stairwell between adjacent decks. So, just counting stairwell steps, formal dining requires 120 to 160 steps per meal, and casual dining requires only 80 steps per meal. The entertainment venues are at the front of the ship (forward) on decks 3, 4, and 5, so these require walking almost the entire length of the ship in addition to the stairs. Yes, there are elevators, but those don't require much exercise (except for exercising patience in waiting for them).

Many cruisers seem to be into power lifting. After all, there are 8 utensils with each place setting in the formal dining room. There are only 2 utensils for Ledo deck dining, but cruisers there compensate by increasing the number of reps.

Time update: local time = EST + 4
Distance traveled at 8:13 am: 2700 nm
Sea depth: 10,330

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The World's Lowest Calorie Dish

Last night at dinner, Pati and Beebee selected from among several options the one appetizer labeled as heart-healthy. It was described as tiger shrimp with some additional seafood ingredient.

When the plates arrived, they each contained a small green gelatinous puck topped with one toothpick-sized sprig of green onion stalk, all this surrounded by 6 circular orange smears on the plate.

Pati and Beebee stared at their plates, trying to decide whether some additional ingredient might be arriving on a separate plate. Pati automatically reached for his glasses, hoping the additional magnification might increase the portion size, but gave that up when he realized the futility of it: 2.25 times nothing is still nothing.

The waiter appeared as Pati and Beebee began to scrape the firmly-attached smears from their plates. Beebee asked him "Is this it?" He said it was, and they all had a good laugh.

The puck, though small, was wasabi-flavored and tasty. (How thin were the smears? So thin that the tiger shrimp had lost its stripes.)

As they finished the ersatz appetizer, the waiter re-appeared with shrimp cocktails for them both, which they were happy to get.

There is a lesson here: when the menu says "low calorie," ask yourself (as the wait staff did during their dance performance during the meal) "How low can you go?"

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